My Mother lives in a rural area and is having a bit of touble with mice!  We made it mice minus one, but is wasn’t easy!

Enough already.

It’s not our fault that Alex Rodriguez is his own worst public relations enemy. His admissions, his changing stories, and his pinstripe protection plan will all due him more harm than good in the coming months.

For a man who once admitted he needed three different psychiatrists (if you can even believe that now) to help him through his mental midget state despite his statuesque size and his three AL MVPs and now pre-fabricated Hall-of-Fame numbers, if he couldn’t hit in the clutch during playoff time, what makes anyone think he’ll be able to survive road games, playoff at-bats, a year without Madonna, an expose due in May, and the ghosts of steroid users’ past following him through October?

If the Yankees even make it that far. That’s another story for another day.

It was bad enough in 2006 when even his All-Star numbers were hardly A-Rod numbers and needed the bat of a fellow user, Jason Giambi, to help him through a season where he admitted he may have had only three friends in the Yankee clubhouse.

Alex’s season hasn’t even started yet.

Only in A-Rod’s world could baseball actually provide a distraction to the turmoil that surrounds his life, rather than the other way around.

If only it weren’t Alex Rodriguez in Alex Rodriguez’s cleats.

Ironically enough, in 2003, many die-hard Yankee fans protested the audacity of non-pinstripe patrons to swap Derek Jeter for A-Rod. Sure, Alex was the better player, but as Bucky Dent once told this writer after a charity dinner for Camp Good Days, “Alex has all the ability, but Jeter has all the intangibles.”

Who would have thought almost six seasons later that the Yankees would not only have both players manning the left side of their infield, but no pennants or championships to show for it? Even more intriguing, who would have believed that Jeter would still be more popular than Rodriguez, that the captain’s legend would outgrow even his neighbor’s, and that Yankee fans were absolutely right all along?

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If the Buffalo Bills plan to draft guys with good “football character” in April’s draft, could they at least draft guys who can win?

Sure, Marshawn Lynch is a Pro Bowler, but after his third brush with the law in as many years (yes third, and he has Barretta’s attorney to show for it) maybe it’s time to, hmm, hire a real general manager who can decipher which punks can bring a Super Bowl run to Buffalo.

Yes, a Super Bowl RUN. We have recalibrated our expectations after ten fruitless seasons.

The Buffalo Bills of the early 1990’s weren’t exactly choir boys either. It’s the NFL. You won’t find a team without law breakers.

But they won.

Let’s see: Donte Whitner, James Hardy, Ko Simpson, Lynch and even OJ.

Playoffs? You kiddin’ me?

Nobody likes when their favorite sport gets mocked for a dumb rule that doesn’t make sense compared to other sports.

Every year, NASCAR get killed for the sport’s “Super Bowl” race being the first contest of the year, unlike every other mainstream American sport. This year, however, NASCAR got a double-whammy of insults from haters.

Every so often, rain ends NASCAR’s biggest race well short of the 200 laps needed to complete its famous 500 miles. Matt Kenseth won his first Daytona 500 simply because he had the lead when officials suspended the race. As if avoiding wrecks is simple.

Baseball commissioner Bud Selig took a stand last October and evoked his “best interests in baseball” clause when he adamantly refused to let any World Series game end prematurely due to weather. He was right. However, NASCAR was right as well, preventing tragedy, and allowing common sense considering it would take three hours to dry the track. The consequence: hacked comparisons to NASCAR’s Super Bowl, already ripped for being the opening race, ending in the third quarter.

This writer is not a NASCAR fan. But he’s hardly a NASCAR hater, either. It’s drivers are always courteous (except Tony Stewart), accomodating toward their fans (except Tony Stewart), do interviews (sometimes Tony Stewart) and unlike many high-priced athletes, are all held to family standards (especially Tony Stewart).

You rarely hear about drivers beating their wives, how much money they make, getting nailed on weapons charges, or fathering children in several states. And a guy like Tony Stewart would be considered almost a saint by NFL standards.

The fact is, there are things in every sport that deserved to be mocked for idiocy. So, in honor of those who enjoy NASCAR, here is an equal opportunity to rip every mainstream American athletics for the things that don’t make sense in those sports, either.

FIRST: Basketball. A former varsity coach once said to a bunch of elementary students at Silver Creek Central School in the early nineties that basketball was his favorite sport because it was a “team game.” Then for the next eight Saturdays, two kids on each team dribbled and shot while the rest ran wind sprints up and down the gym floor. True, it is a team game. But compared to football, or baseball, basketball is the LEAST team-oriented game. The term “ball-hog?” Yup, we can thank basketball for that one. “Cherry-picker?” That’s another basketball term.

Football has eleven guys defending an end zone against eleven other guys with specific roles. Some block, some catch, some run and one throws, and they all take their cues from a guy in a headset on the bench. Baseball needs solid pitching, defense, and good hitting. Most of the time, you can’t score unless the guy behind you knocks you in. Granted, all sports have their divas, but never has a football or baseball player been accused of being a “ball-hog.”

SECOND: Basketball (still). Free throws and fouls. Instead of that old, stupid argument that “they” should raise the net another five feet, how about taking a page from hockey and inserting a penalty box, instead? Fouls and free throws slow the game down, especially when they oddly become a losing team’s best friend in the game’s final minutes. Fouling a player to stop the clock is not “good strategy.” It’s “duh!” And it’s irritating.

One other thing: awarding free throws for fouls is like baseball putting a ball on a tee after a hit batsman. It’s like the NFL allowing a field goal kicker a free shot from the 30. C’mon. Don’t rip NASCAR.

As far as college basketball goes, the NCAA has finally moved the men’s free throw line back. An entire foot. Wow.

THIRD: Hockey. The game makes sense. What kills it is how expensive it is to play. But this writer has two arguments. One, there are way too many NHL playoff teams. Why play 82 games to eliminate a minority of teams from playoff contention? It’ll never change because of money. Imagine how bad it was when there were only 24 teams.

The other knock: a team can ride a hot goaltender as far as he will take it. The 2005-06 and ‘06-’07 Buffalo Sabres were a lot better than the ‘98-99 Stanley Cup team. The difference: Dominik Hasek. Admit it. Ryan Miller is no slouch, but he’s no Hasek, either.

Oh yeah: the shootout. Another clever idea. Why don’t we just end baseball games by home run derby, or basketball games with G-E-I-C-O?

FOURTH: Football. Ready? All those crazy rules regarding possession, in-bounds, out-of-bounds, pass interference vs. holding in the secondary, fumbles vs. tucks, and “football moves.” They’re all judgment calls, in need of replay to bail out its aging referees. If the referee misses the flag toss from the sidelines, or the buzz from upstairs, so be it. If you rip the refs for blowing obvious calls they actually apologize for, you get fined. You also get fined for having your socks down, or a shirt sleeve out, for taking off your helmet on the field, handing balls to fans after touchdowns, or not wearing the right hat on the sidelines. But it’s the NFL, America’s sacred sport, where gambling problems are born, while steroid use and most arrests go overlooked.

FINALLY: Baseball. Other than its steroid problems, its the only sport without a salary cap. Other than that, baseball is perfect. Balls and strikes, fair or foul, safe or out, and no clocks.

Of course, that whole clock thing could come in handy in October.

There are just some things that no one, especially a man, should do with their mother.  Yeah, we all know the obvious.  However, there are grey areas, like discussing “grooming” techniques or best things to read while on the dumper.  Sure, you can discuss these things with “Dear Old Mom,” but, having a choice between Mom breaking down her post Garbage Plate bathroom Olympics or eating glass, I’d take the glass.   How about movies?  Not porn, just movies with hot sex scenes like the 80’s classic “Road House” or Halle Berry in “Monster’s Ball,” probably not on your top 10 films to watch with “Maaaa!”  Have you seen Ben Stiller’s “Heart Break Kid?”  Typical stupid flick, but the sex scenes are a cross between smoking hot and awkwardly uncomfortable because of Ben. And the awkwardness rocks to eleven when your sixty something mother is in the room! 

I’ll spare you the whole re-cap of Ben Stiller’s  “The Heart Break Kid,” except to say that Ben meets women who is on her way to do laundry when her ex- boyfriend rides up on a scooter and steals her purse – knocking her and her laundry everywhere.  Ben helps her gather her things and tells her where he works, blah, blah, blah…oh, and Ben’s character has no idea at this point in the movie that the guy on the scooter is the blonde’s ex-boyfriend.  In the chaos the blonde drops a pair of panties and takes off before Ben can give them to her.  So, like any horny man he carries them around with him and shows his best friend, played by Rob Codry, and his father, played by his real life Dad, Jerry Stiller.  The scene in Ben’s sporting goods store where the blonde is “shopping” and Ben and Jerry see her, is hysterical because of Jerry; and it involves the “lost” panties.  Ben, after a little prodding, dates her, falls for her and too prevent her moving to Europe for her job, marries her.  Here comes the awkwardness. 

As Ben and his new hot bride a driving to Mexico for their Honeymoon, she says let’s find a hotel and fuck!  Weird to hear women say that with you mother in the room!  Then she doesn’t just fuck, she goes RODEO – Swedish helicopter, screaming “Jack hammer me.”  Ben looks like he is pain and even embarrassed as his bride is flipping, twisting, breasts bouncing and screaming at him to fuck harder!  Every guy would love to hear this and even learn more about the Swedish Helicopter, but to watch this with your mother, not knowing these scenes are coming…UGH!  I couldn’t flip the channel fast enough. After some awkward conversation, my mother said she was going to bed.  A few seconds after she left the room, I went back to “The Heart Break Kid.”  About 5 minutes later Ben and his Bride are a t a resort in

Mexico and she is tearing him up in the bed AND MOM WALKS BACK IN TO TELL ME ONE LAST THING.  I scramble for the remote, it falls, and she mutters something and says “I’ll leave you to your porn” and walks out!  The problem is I am at her house.  I feel like I am twelve.  At least at my house I can rely on the fact that I pay the bills and can watch what I want, but at her house…uhhh, hmmm, AWKWARD!  Add to the list of movies you may want to avoid with Mom, Ben Stiller’s “The Heart Break Kid.” Or watch it with Mom and see how she reacts, you might learn something about your mother you wish you never knew!

Here’s  a little of what I’ve been doing over the long holiday weekend, that will extend to

 all week!